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Family Engineers: Step Parenting: Susan Wilkins-Hubley

"Ex-Girlfriend's Daughter - Setting Boundaries"

Q: A few days ago, my boyfriend of 2 years ex-girlfriend sent a card to him on behalf of her daughter.  My problem is once she found out he was seeing someone else, she told my boyfriend that she did not want him a part of her daughter's life anymore.  It has been 2 years.  We have been living together for a year.  When I saw the father's day card from her daughter, I got upset.  Not because of the card, but because of the fact that she has the address.  

I confronted him about it and he said it was no big deal and that I was being insecure.  He also said that if I have a problem with a five year old sending him a card I need help.  It is not the point that she sent the card, it is the point that he did not think enough of me to ask me if it was okay if she had the address or to even tell me that he gave it to her.  Might I add that the child does not belong to him and the child was 2 years old at the time when he and I started dating.  He said that before now he has not had any contact with the mother and the mother called him at work and told him that she wanted to send him something in the mail.  

I feel he has given her too much access considering the child is not his.  It would be different if there was not a two year gap between communication or if he had always been a part of her life.  When he and I started dating, he did not tell me that she would be a part of the package deal so I don't feel I have to accept this child.  Am I being insecure or is he being inconsiderate?
 

A: I think you too have strong instincts.  This situation is far from normal and I believe it is a matter of 1) boundaries or lack thereof, 2) trust  3) communication (or lack thereof), and 4) respect towards you.

I feel your husband/boyfriend, is being very insensitive towards your feelings and need for personal boundaries.  A 5 yr old child would most likely NOT think to send one of her mother's old boyfriends a Father's Day card.  It's difficult for children at that age to remember to recognize their own father, never mind someone who is not.  A five year old may not even ask to see or hear from an old boyfriend.  

I believe that this is the ex girlfriend's way of communicating with your mate.  It is inappropriate and I would address it with your mate.  Explain to him that you are very uncomfortable and that out of respect for you and your feelings and your relationship together that you wish the communication stop - especially when it is being supposedly passed through a child.

Establish FIRM boundaries NOW.

Good Luck!

Susan Wilkins-Hubley

"Our Expert"

Susan Wilkins-Hubley is the founder of The Second Wives Club.com and a  stepmother to two children
and biological mother to two more. Susan and her husband reside in Eastern Canada
along the Atlantic Coast. Visit Susan's web site:  Second
Wives Club.com

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