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When you talk to your child, is all you get are one-word answers?

Tired of playing twenty questions with your teen?

Does your child think that "talk" means "talk back?"

While some kids are just quiet (nothing wrong with that) or shy, there are some simple parenting talk tools to get a real dialogue going:

Conversation Extenders are parenting talk tools that encourage children to converse with their parents. For instance, if a child says, "I like
Billy," then the parent might respond by saying, "Tell me about what you like about Billy." The child, because of lack of good social skills and
development, may only give one-word answers to the parents questions. When this happens, the parent can help extend the conversation by
asking more questions that elicit more information. It is important to use the child's own words as this sounds less robotic. This also reassures the
child that the parent is listening to them and values their thoughts.

Humor is a parenting tool that can act as a release valve for all the stress that accumulates during the day between parents and children.
Raising children is a challenge, during the best of times. During the worst of times, it can be extremely frustrating.

Humor can take many forms. One application is for parents, during a stressful situation, to laugh at themselves. We all make mistakes and
chuckling at ourselves during these dangerous moments can not only relieve the tension in the room but can also teach your child that life shouldn't be treated so seriously. By laughing at themselves, parents
can show their children that one's self-esteem is not based on what you do (a conditional attitude) but on who you are (an unconditional attitude).

Parents can also make a soft joke of their child's mistake. These jokes should be in good taste and take into consideration the sensitivity
level of the child. Some children are crushed by what others would consider a harmless jest. Remember, the object of this parenting tool
is to decrease stress not increase bad feelings. This second application of humor also teaches children that life shouldn't be treated too seriously. It encourages children to pick themselves up, dust
themselves off, and go on after a mistake was made.

An example of the tool in action might include the stressful situation of getting everyone ready for work and school in the morning. If on the
way to school, parents sense a dark cloud in the car, they can utilize this parenting tool. Parents can change the mood by singing a funny lyric or telling a knock-knock joke to keep the mood affable. Children
will get into the spirit of the humor by telling their own jokes, even if they are made up on the spot.


Open Ended Questions are another type of parenting talk tool that encourages a child to talk to the parent. Open ended questions require that the child respond with more than a one word answer. Questions that
require only a one word answer are called closed questions. Examples of closed questions include: "How old are you?" or "What grade did you get
on your spelling test?". Both of these questions can be answered with one word. To get children to expand their conversation, use an open ended question, such as, "What did you like about school today?" or
"What happened on your spelling test?". It is possible for a child to answer "nothing!", in response to these open questions. If that happens,
there are usually two approaches. First, leave the child alone. They may not ready to talk about their day. Or second, use other parenting
tools, such as Conversation Extenders and Reflective Listening parenting tools. Some children have difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings. Using various tools together may be more efficient, and less mechanical, in getting a child to talk.

Generally, older children have better communication skills than do younger children. But parents can use this parenting tool with preschoolers as a way of developing their new language abilities. In
fact, communication skills can decrease aggressive actions, like biting, when the problem underlying the aggressive behavior is frustration over
not being able to communicate a need or want. Open Ended Questions provide young children with new, safer outlets for their frustration and
teach them how to get more of their needs met!


Reflections are one of the most powerful of all the parenting talk tools. It is powerful because it focuses on the child-as-person. Contrary to what most parents might believe, children want their
parent's approval, especially at an early age. A child's self-concept is determined, to a large degree, by what a parent says and what a parent
does to their child. A child who is valued, in word and deed, will have a good self-concept while a child who is mistreated and ignored will not. Reflections are an excellent way for parents to ensure that their
children have a good self-concept.

Reflections operate in a similar fashion to a mirror. Just as a mirror reflects your physical image, a parent can reflect a child's emotional image. Knowing what we look like is difficult unless you have some
reflection to determine our shape, color, and form. Children,  similarly, do not know how to feel about themselves without some feedback and
description. But children are not looking for physical descriptions. They are in need of emotional descriptions. Parents can use the
reflecting parenting tool to provide this description.

The reflections parenting tool validates a child's feelings about themselves and the situations they experience every day. Reflections
are statements made by the parent about the emotional world of the child. The parent must demonstrate that they are open to hearing what the
child has to say, on the surface (the story) as well as deeper down (the emotional feelings). The goal is to communicate to the child that "I am listening" or "I understand what you are experiencing." Interrupting,
interrogating, and psychoanalyzing will not produce this effect. Parents can probably remember a situation, talking to a supervisor, friend, or
loved one, where their feelings were disregarded or the problem analyzed rather than simply understood. Those kind of responses hurt old as well as young alike.

The actual procedure for this parenting tool is really very simple. There are only three steps: Remove distractions, communicate attention,
and reflect the child's feelings. The first step is to remove distractions. Parents do this so that they can give the child their full attention, not their half- attention. Parents cannot pay attention by
listening to their child and watching the television or cooking dinner at the same time. If possible, remove all distractions by turning off the television or turning off the pot off on the stove. If it is not
possible to remove the distractions, than try and minimize them as much as possible or ask the child to wait until you can give him or her your
full attention. It is better to wait until after the program or after dinner than try and compete with some other activity.

The second step is to communicate your attention. This step asks that parents provide their children with a physical and a verbal acknowledgement that they are being listened to. Children have a way of knowing when parents are not really interested in what they have to  say. Physically, parents can turn and face their child, looking them in the eye. Verbally, parents can inform their child that they are ready to listen by stating, "Tell me more about what happened" or "How did that make you feel when that happened?" As children answer the question, parents can insert grunts or short statements that say, "I'm still with you and I'm still listening." An example might be the statements: "I see", "wow", "yeah", "oh!" or "uh-huh." The third step is to actually reflect the child's feelings. Up until now parents have succeeded in making a connection with their child. This is not reflection but the act of preparing to reflect. So far the picture is warm but still fuzzy. Parents can make it clearer by using the format: "You feel (child's emotion) because of (situation that caused the feeling)." An additional piece to this would be to clarify the child's values by including the statement, "and it is really important to you that (value that child is expressing)" to the preceding format. As an example, let's imagine that
a parent is faced with a child who did poorly on a test at school because other children were pestering him or her. The parent would reflect this by stating, "You are angry at those kids for pestering you
and making you get a bad grade at school." Anger is the feeling word not overtly expressed by the child and reflected back by the parent. If the
parent wants to clarify the value as well, they might state: "...and it is important to you to do well in school."

Another example of reflections might include a child telling their parents, in a very animated manner, about an upcoming field trip. A parent could reflect, "You are excited about your upcoming field trip."
Most children will take as much as 20 minutes to relate the same information a parent reflects back in just a few seconds. This is called paraphrasing. Paraphrasing summarizes the child's story by listing the
main points of the story and the labeling the child's feeling about it. Sometimes parent must listen very close in order to capture the feeling
behind the words. Don't worry if the child's feelings are not captured the first time around, most children are willing to give the parent a
second chance. After all, reflections feel pretty good and most kids are willing to have you try again. They might even tell you the feeling word you missed. Simply restate the correct feeling word to the child and go
on with the reflections.

Some parents may be having trouble reflecting a child's feelings when the child is talking about something with which the parent does not agree. It is possible to reflect their feelings about the situation
without agreeing with the behavior. Reflection of a feeling is not the same as condoning a behavior or a belief. Parents can discuss that after
they have made a connection and reflected the child's feelings. The child will also be in a better place to receive parents advice about what it is right or wrong about a situation or behavior. Experience has
shown that children who feel right about themselves, act right.

Children who feel hurt or angry, act hurt or angry to those around them. This is fitting given that children are egocentric (i.e., "the world revolves
around me" attitude) by nature. Therefore, children are more likely to listen to parents when they feel that their parents are listening to them. Two words of caution. The first is don't be a parrot. Many
parents try and reflect a child's feelings by repeating their exact words. If parents continue along this path without capturing the essence of the
child's communication, the child may become annoyed and/or stop communicating all together. Secondly, don't give up. It is normal to feel awkward at first. But with practice, parents become fairly
accomplished at using this tool. After witnessing the dramatic changes in their children's self-esteem and behavior parents will question why
they didn't use this powerful talk tool sooner.
 

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