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Did You Know: 

Growth spurts can start as early as 10 days after your baby’s birth.  Growth spurts usually are preceded by a sleepy, lethargic day and a big jump in appetite.  Growth spurts may happen again at 3, 6, and 12 weeks and again at 4 and 6 months.  If you begin to notice that your child is not as satisfied with the amount that you have been feeding her previously, then she may be beginning a growth spurt period.  If you are breastfeeding, you may want to add a feeding or two to satiate your baby’s appetite and to help increase milk production.

Power Tools : Nontraditional Families

Parenting Children in a High-Conflict Divorce
by Ron Huxley, LMFT

When parents divorce, everyone in the family hurts.  Children suffer the most when parents continue to fight with one another, using the children as weapons in a war they did not create.  Children, in prolonged, high-conflict divorce situations, can develop psychological and emotional problems.  These problems will affect their future relationships and family.  Here are some
simple strategies for parents to use to reduce conflict and protect their child’s well being:

1. Find a neutral or public drop off spot.  When parents fight during custody exchanges, it is helpful to find a setting that reduces the chances
of angry words and fists.  Suitable locations include restaurant parking lots, mutual friend’s home or office, or the local police station.  If this
does not solve the problem, consider finding a local agency that provides supervised exchanges for divorced families.

2. Deliver the kids, don’t pick them up.  This is useful when parents fight during custody exchanges.  The last parent to be with the child should drop him or her off at the other parents house or an agreed upon location.  This
allows the parent to spend time getting the child ready without feeling anxious about when the other parent will show up.  It also prevents parents
from “checking out” each other’s home and finding people, things, or situations to get angry about.  And, the child can say goodbye in a more
leisurely manner.

3. Write information in a log.  This formal exchange of information will force parents to communicate with each other in a more neutral tone.
Information on physical health changes in diet, medications given, naps taken, homework reports due, and scheduled activities can be written down.
This prevents errors in verbal communication that often takes place.  But, if parents use the log to write or draw obscene comments, make disparaging
remarks to the children about it, or fail to exchange it back and forth, then don’t use this idea.

4. Buy two sets of everything.  I know many families may consider this costly, but what is the emotional cost a child pays if parents fight over
missing socks or lost toys.  An alternative strategy is to have one set of transitional clothes, toys, and personal items that go back and forth with
the child.  Everything else stays at the respective parent’s homes. 

5. Regulate telephone use.  Although children should be allowed to contact their parents by phone whenever they need to, some discretion may be
necessary.  Parents get anxious when they hear a child crying over the phone or asking to come home early.  Imaginations go wild and tempers flair.  Set
a regular schedule for the child to call on a daily basis when both parents are there is no interruptions in dinner, bath, or homework times.  The child
needs to have privacy during his or her call unless written otherwise in the divorce agreement.  Never force a child to talk, but always encourage him or
her to call the other parent, even if it is for just a minute or two.  If the child refuses, log it as described in number 3 above.

6. Set limits around dating and introducing children to potential “parent figures.”  Parents have a right to socialize and date but try to do it when
the children are at the other parent’s home.  If you do date when the children are home do so respectfully.  Don’t introduce new people too early
as children can easily attach to adults and suffer more loss if the relationship doesn’t work out for the parent.  Only introduce new people when a commitment of some sort has been made parent and the significant other. And never force the child to call the person “mom” or “dad” unless he
or she wants to.

7. Recognize the importance of the other parent to the child.  Just because parents dislike each other doesn’t mean children feel the same way.  Be
civil to the other parent if you can’t be cheerful. It is not necessary to lie about the other parents mistakes but don’t be graphic about them either.
Allow the child to see the parents failings for him or herself.  Reassure the child that it is okay for him or her to love the other parent.  Children
get caught up in “loyalty conflicts” where they are afraid to show love or affection for one parent and upset the other.

8. Allow visitations with extended family, such as grandparents.   Relatives often lose contact or are refused visitations with children after a divorce.
There are times when this may be justified, for one reason or another.  For example, grandparents talk bad about a child’s mom or dad or go against the
rules set down by the custodial parent.  At times, they take the child to see the other parent, who is abusing substances, in violation of a court
order.  When these situations occur, legal steps must be taken to prevent harm to the child, emotionally or physically.  But there are many times when
this is not the case and relatives deserve some time with the children.  Not only is it good for the child but the custodial parent could use the time
off too.

9. Ask the child’s input.  This strategy depends on the age and ability of the child to make good decisions but the child’s wants and desires should be considered even if it is not acted on.  This validates the child’s sense of self.  Additionally, the child may have a creative idea none of the adults
thought about.

10. Get professional help.  Divorce is difficult in the best of situations. It requires a lot of support and advice for family members to heal from their hurts.  From time to time, this might require parents to seek out attorneys, doctors, therapists, educators, or clergy to help cope with a
high-conflict divorce. While family and friends can be sources of support, they can also be too close to the battle and provide unhealthy advice.  Take
what they can offer and find professional help for what they cannot.

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