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The answer is yes and no. Although stress is a normal part of the holiday season, parents and children can beat most of the holiday stress by following some simple, preventive advice.

Parents and children can learn to control holiday stress rather than be controlled by it. They do that by controlling their expectations and their actions during this hectic time of year.

A Blue Time of Year

Although a familiar jingle goes something like..."tis the season to be jolly" many families find it is the season to be blue. And not the beautiful sky blue either. Its the blue feeling of grief and loss. The holiday season tends to exaggerate the normal feelings into a much more intense state, making sadness, anger, and perfectionism overwhelming. If families have lost someone close to them, the holidays are painful reminders that they are gone. Or if families live long distances from one another, that too can intensify their feelings of grief.

A Norman Rockwell Christmas

For most families, the primary cause of holiday stress are the high expectations families place on themselves about how the holidays should be. Too many families try to imitate a Norman Rockwell painting, full of American ideals about what constitutes the ideal family. While this wouldn't be bad in itself, if families could achieve it, most families fall short, and feel inadequate in the process. This is especially true for nontraditional families who do not meet the traditional idea of the normal family.

Nontraditional families include divorced, single, step, adoptive, foster and grandparents raising grandchildren families. It even includes the two parent working family as they do not follow the traditional arrangement of dad as provider and mom as homemaker. Economic and social pressures make this arrangement difficult to achieve. Consequently, the nontraditional family of yesterday is rapidly becoming the traditional family of today. Attempting to follow traditional ideals about the holidays, with its false expectations and high standards, can result in exaggerated feelings of grief and anger.

But even traditional families can feel the holiday stress. One reason for this is what McCall magazine calls the "Christmas Machine." McCall magazine did a 13 year study of families during the holidays and found that the most stressful families were trying to "live someone else's Christmas." They were buying things the media said they should buy, cooking dinners they did not enjoy, eating more than they knew they should, and celebrating in ways they did not want. They were plugged into the "Christmas Machine." McCall magazines advice? Unplug oneself from the "Christmas Machine."

In order to do this families must acknowledge that it is the season for commercialism as well as tradition. They need to remind themselves how easy it is to be sucked into the medias trap of overspending and overeating. They need to learn to say no, delegate some of the holiday chores to others, and plan their holiday celebrations their own way. And remembering that the holidays is a spiritual time is vital to reducing the holiday stress.

The two most common complaints about the holidays are how to keep from going into credit card debt and topping the weight scale. As for overspending, here are some suggestions to keeping it under control:

- Stick to a budget and inform the kids ahead of time of what price range for gifts Santa can afford.

- Make gifts instead of buying them.

- Pick a gift theme for the year, such as compact disks, candles, or books to give everyone one that fits each personality. This reduces the search for the perfect gift and running all over town to find it.

- Have children give one old gift away for every new gift they receive.

- Plan a holiday outing for the family versus buying a lot of gifts.

- Make homemade decorations.

- Don't compare yourself to others and their spending patterns.

- Use a savings plan throughout the year so that it isn't a financial shock at Christmas time and credit cards aren't abused.

- Delegate some of the shopping responsibility to others (kids, spouse, etc.).

- Shop by mail or shop on-line to avoid some of the Christmas rush.

As for cooking and eating during the holidays:

- Eat ahead of time. Eat a small, low-calorie meal before going out to that lavish dinner to avoid eating fatty foods.

- Permit yourself some indulgences by having some dessert or sampling one piece of candy.

- Share that box of candy instead of eating all by yourself.

- Potluck a holiday meal instead of taking all of the responsibility to preparing it yourself.

- Exercise during the holiday season and don't let other things get in the way of your regular routine.

Stressful Children

With all the lights, advertisements, and celebrations, the holidays can make over stimulated children, resulting in frantic, hyperactive kids. Here are some ideas to make the holidays a little more peaceful for your child:

- Plan some outside activities where your child can burn that extra energy.

- Write a family wish list that includes ways to spend quality time with mom and dad rather than just a long list of toys.

- Involve children in the holiday preparations. It may seem that it would easier to do it yourself but letting children help make cookies, string lights, and decorate the house can be a pleasurable experience together.

- Stick to regular routines as much as possible even if you are away from home. Routines provide security and stability for children, so try to keep the same bedtime, rules, and schedules during this chaotic time of year.

- Prepare children for changes. Set down with children at the beginning of the day to talk about the days activities. Process their feelings about it and ask for input on how they would like to spend part of the day. And then, remind them of the changes as you go through the day to help them transition mentally before they have to transition physically.

- Draw a family tree if you will be visiting unknown relatives to help them understand who they will be seeing.

- Use an advent calendar to read about the spiritual meaning of Christmas each day before the 25th.

Traditional Values for Nontraditional Families

Just because a families structure changes, doesn't mean that its values have to change. How a nontraditional family expresses these values may require some adoption, but they do not have to be abandoned. Some suggestions for maintaining those family values include:

- Socialize with other families like yourself to provide a sense of normality to children. Single parents can socialize with other single parents. Adoptive parents can find other adoptive parents to celebrate the holidays, etc.

- Plan a short trip for just you and your child if you are unable to be with other members of your family. Time together is more valuable than a pristine Christmas dinner.

- Divorced parents can give their children the gift of cooperation and not interfere with the other parents time during the holidays, especially if it is not their year to have the children for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

- Celebrate the holidays on a different day rather than on the one listed on everyone's calendar. There is no reason you can't open gifts on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas day. Thanksgiving dinner can occur on a Wednesday versus a Thursday. This way, if you do not have your children, you can still celebrate it with them.

- Don't use gift-giving to make up for sad feelings or as a competitive advantage over the ex-spouse. Children are the one's who suffer for these actions.

- Plan early how, when, where, and who will celebrate the holidays with the children. Include them in the decisions if they are old enough to give some mature input. This will also give some feeling of control over their world.

Put the Fun Back Into Dysfunction

Many families find getting together with relatives to be painful experiences. Past hurts and old grudges can turn joyful celebrations into angry encounters. Holiday cheer won't change long-standing dysfunctional patterns in families. Only personal effort over time can do that. Here are some suggestions for surviving families visits in the interim:

- Have realistic expectations about what your time together will be like. Don't hold the picture of a Norman Rockwell painting up against your family photo. You may be sadly disappointed.

- Remind yourself about why you are visiting family. It is not about changing years of history together but putting aside differences to celebrate the holiday.

- Compromise with your spouse about where the family will go for the holidays. Newlyweds can struggle over family traditions. Pick a middle ground and/or choose new traditions that are agreeable to each of you.

- Agree to disagree. Don't let family members get your goat. If you know a certain person will try and pick at a fight or act in a annoying manner, plan to change the subject or have a backup activity to engage in ("I have to go help stuff the turkey right now") to prevent feeling angry.

- Analyze why you are fighting about how to serve dinner or decorate for the holidays. Is their a deeper conflict that lives underground the year round and is now coming out? Work on that issue and avoid the petty squabbling.

Surround yourself with Support

Social support during the holidays is still the best medicine for the holiday blues. If you do not have much support or your support system is not ideal, then find church members to socialize with, other nontraditional parents to spend time with, or choose a therapist to help you through this difficult time of year.

Getting professional help to deal with grief and losses can be a wonderful gift to give to yourself. Finding someone to create new traditions for your nontraditional family can also be beneficial. Or finding a way to deal with the holiday blues, if they are more than normal holiday stressful feelings, can truly make it a season to be jolly instead of painful.