RECOMMENDED PARENTING TOOL:

Get Family Trivia and More in our Parenting FUN Toolbox

Power Tools : Nontraditional Families

How to Achieve Greater Family Intimacy
by Ron Huxley, LMFT

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that being a parent today is tougher than ever before.  Blame it on the moral decay of society, the impersonal nature of technology, or the breakup of the home.  Either way, contemporary parents feel out of touch with themselves and their children.

The solution is not to turn back time but to open our selves up to our children.  As stress bombards today’s families, parents retreat farther into
their private self leaving a fully functioning but completely unsatisfactory public self to go through the daily routines of work and family life.  This
deprives both parent and child of the intimacy and closeness they both want and desire.

Ironically, strength comes through vulnerability.  Letting children see our
frustrations, pain, and failure can be a valuable lesson to them.  Many parents can’t see the wisdom in being transparent to their children. Already debilitated, they can’t understand why they should give away their power.  This notion of  power comes from a false parenting authority of “Do
it because I said so” or “I am the parent therefore you must obey!” This is not true strength.  This is force.  Strangely enough, giving up this false
strength will lead parents to the true power of intimacy, in their family relationships.

Self discovery

Children are naturally curious.  They love to explore and learn.  Parents can use this drive to increase intimacy with their children.  The first step
is to make/take time out of busy schedules to really be with children. TransPARENTcy is achieved in those unstructured but regular moments with
children.  It can be in the car on the way to or from school. It can be at a regularly scheduled playtime at home.  It can be during the last few minutes
of the day tucking your child into bed. The actual arrangement is not as important as simply making the most of everyday interactions with children.

To do this, parents need to get comfortable being in the here-and-now with children. Children are present focused. They are not worried about their
future or their past.  Be aware of your child’s comments or the environment you find yourself in and talk about those things, as they occur.  Encourage open expression.  Eliminate judgment about right and wrong.  Talk about
your child’s thoughts and feelings in as objective a manner as possible. And then share your own thoughts and feelings without lecture or
sermonizing.

Be Honest

Honesty is still the best policy when it comes to our emotions.  If parents feel mad, sad, or glad, share it with the child.  Of course, if parents are
going through a major depression or anxiety attack, don’t let children take the place of a good therapist or become the emotional dumping ground for a
parent’s stressful life.  Instead, parents can model how to manage difficult feelings.

The honest truth is that parents can’t hide their emotions even if they want to.  Most likely children already know when their parents are mad or sad.
Children were nonverbal long before they were verbal making them experts of the unspoken expression.  If mom or dad find their own emotions so horrible that they can’t be honest about them, maybe children shouldn’t trust their emotions either.

Many parents believe that by covering their own emotions they are protecting their children from harmful, negative emotions.  Consequently, parents will show and reinforce only the expression of positive thoughts and feelings. This gives children a one-sided view of life, making them unprepared to cope with others in the real world.  This form of protection is really for the parent, not the child.  Children are harmed, not helped, by this belief.

Take some risks

It’s a safe bet that most parents who want greater intimacy with their children never experienced it as a child themselves.  It is frightening to be transparent with anyone, especially one’s children.  The greatest risk of vulnerability will come when parents must admit a mistake.  To avoid this risk, many parents never confess their inadequacies to their children,
causing children to mistrust what parents say and do.

If parents want to be an appropriate role model and achieve greater intimacy with their children, they must admit their humanness and ask forgiveness of
those they have wronged, even if it is their child. Forgiveness has a spiritual quality that transcends emotional hurts and repairs relationships.
It opens doors of intimacy that would otherwise remain locked shut by hurts and resentments.

Taking risks seems particularly difficult for fathers.  There is an old notion that fathers must be proud, strong, and invulnerable.  The rationale
is that this behavior teaches boys how to be a man.  Unfortunately, it teaches all the wrong things and ill prepares boys for future relationships.
Today’s sons need dads who understand the importance of learning from one’s failures as well as successes.

Create a Family Team

Some parents complain that the reason they cannot be transparent with their child is due to conflicts in personality.  When children and parents have
drastically different moods, reactions, and motivations, it can make connecting quite a chore. To overcome this problem, parents try and focus on
similarities versus differences.  While this is helpful, it is also important to concentrate on those differences that divide parent and child.

Talking about personality differences can actually be a way to connect to a child.  Discuss how you and your child are different and why that makes each
of you unique.  Explore the various ways to process or react to life.  Never define the differences as deviant, just different.  Learn from the other
person’s viewpoint and discover compromises that fit you both.  And use the principles listed above to be honest about your frustrations and joys with
these differences.

Parents can also use personality differences to build a powerful family team.  Match individual interests, skills, and desires so that each person
compliments the others. The role of the parents, in these family teams, is to coach, cheerlead and honor each personality. Make the motto, one for all
and all for one, your new slogan for family transparency.

Empathy

The surest path to transparency is empathy.  Empathy is the act of communicating our understanding of a child’s feelings, thoughts, and needs without being overwhelmed or taking responsibility for them.  This will be tough for parents who believe that parenting is simply about taking care of their child physically and not emotionally. Children with the best self-image have parents who validate their emotions.  Consequently, these same children report feeling more connected and open with their parents.

Some of the most effective parenting classes have at the root the concept of empathy.  The philosophy is simple: You can’t harm a child if you are being
empathic with a child.  And the reverse is true as well: Your child will be more cooperative because he or she feels more connected.  Intimacy is rarely
looked at as discipline.  While it doesn’t negate the need for consistency and rules, homes without empathy get very little true cooperation.  Oh,
there is compliance, in the short term, but there is little cooperation, or connection, in the long term, without empathy.  Homes without empathy are
homes where being vulnerable is a weakness.

Fortunately, empathy is a learned skill.  It requires parents to do three things: give full attention, paraphrase a child’s words, and reflect a
child’s underlying feelings and messages (for a detailed description of this and other communication skills see http://parentingtoolbox.com/comm.html).
With practice, parents can use empathy to create a healthy, intimate relationship with their children.

Facing the Future Now

If it is true that families today are experiencing greater stress than families of the past and parents and children are having a more difficult
time feeling bonded, then it is imperative that we to something about it now.  While our technology might continue to progress, our relationships are
destined to become more impersonal and disconnect.  True intimacy in families require parents to use the skills discussed here to be vulnerable
are real with their children.  It requires some risk and dedication to family teamwork even if parents never had it themselves as children.  It is
something we must do, no matter how much it scares us!

Ron Huxley is a child and family therapist and the author of the book "Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting." You can order his book online at http://parentingtoolbox.com/stop.html or request it through your local bookstore. The ISBN number is 1-56593-936-0.

Pick up a copy of the book and join the FREE online parenting class at http://parentingtoolbox.com/hbuild.html