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Did You Know: 

Growth spurts can start as early as 10 days after your baby’s birth.  Growth spurts usually are preceded by a sleepy, lethargic day and a big jump in appetite.  Growth spurts may happen again at 3, 6, and 12 weeks and again at 4 and 6 months.  If you begin to notice that your child is not as satisfied with the amount that you have been feeding her previously, then she may be beginning a growth spurt period.  If you are breastfeeding, you may want to add a feeding or two to satiate your baby’s appetite and to help increase milk production.

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Q: Dear Ron,

My eight-year-old daughter was visiting her biological father in another state just before Christmas when they were in an auto accident and she was killed.
There are factors to this accident that I can't share, but her father was totally at fault. Any ideas on dealing with grief and talking to my younger (four-year-old) daughter about this?

So Sad in San Antonio

A: Dear So Sad,

I feel for you and your family during this traumatic time. I have worked with many families who have lost a child or close family member and there are a number of things you can do that will help the most important being time and your trust in God. The old saying “time heals all wounds” isn’t really true but it time does lessen the pain somewhat and allow you to move forward in life.

Grief has predictable stages that you and your younger daughter will go through throughout the course of your life. These stages are commonly referred to as DABDA which stands for Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. The stages are like waves of an ocean. When you are out in the middle of the water, the waves are overwhelming and you may experience intense fear and anxiety. As you swim for shore the waves have less and less affect on you. As you walk to shore the waves still threaten to unbalance you but they no longer have the same affect as the deeper water. Standing on the shore of acceptance is your goal but you and other members of your family may get there are different times. That’s okay. Allow everyone, including yourself; time to go through these stages at their own pace.

As for your four-year-old daughter, developmentally she will be having a hard time conceptualizing her older sibling’s disappearance from your home. At this age reality and fantasy are blurred and she may ascribe the death of her sister to magical means and believe she can “reappear” as easily as she disappeared. This is where your spiritual and cultural beliefs will come in handy. Be honest about your sadness and anger without taking it out on her or slandering the older daughter’s father. Use good friends and support groups for that. But don’t feel you have to be a pillar of strength, pretending everything is all right. That reinforces the magical ideas. At her age, she will take her cues for grieving from the adults in her life and you can use this to model appropriate reactions to loss, which include some very painful and negative (socially speaking) feelings.

Create rituals and use activities to help her with the grieving process. Develop scrapbooks of her sibling with pictures, schoolwork, and personal items inside of it. If she is wants to go to the cemetery to pay her respects, by all means, let her do so. Allow her to take flowers or drawings she has made for her lost sibling. Go to her sibling’s favorite locations, such as a restaurant, and eat a meal together and talk about your fond memories together.

For a more detailed list of things to do, see my article on grieving children at http://parentingtoolbox.com/power/twelvedays.html

Blessings,

Ron Huxley, LMFT

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